And For Something New....

No one will probably see this and I may not want them to because it is going to be very raw..

Any onward..

First of all IT IS FINALLY TIME TO CHANGE.....been a lot of talk about it for years but it has become what has always been apparent that my life is a complete failure and some things I need to change, and then most likely other shit will work it way out..

It is obvious number one the alcohol has never worked. It is usually the last cop out addict have.Yeah I quit heroin and speed and opiates and painkillers and whatever else I was taking all those years...but the alcohol has been the worst one to quit. It is also the hardest and not just because it is legal either.. I will go back to pot because one it has always been of use. In the past I may due to my youth overdid it the fact  is today I rarely have it and usually when in some manic mode..Cigarette that goes without saying..

Then I have to change how I eat.Yes I will lose weight not drinking but getting old and time to change...plus i want to get back to my slender self though not quite as slender as the past..

Work. Wow that is a whole messed up subject.After the new year I will end up looking for another that is full time or find a second job..Plus I need to refocus and ignore all the bullshit and not be angry about shit anymore..New boss too oh joy.

I think going back to meditation and yoga and art will help focus me instead of the cop out of alcohol.. and maybe help me start  going places again and trying to deal with people...the last few years have been me shutting my away from people...even friends....having hard time dealing with people and their shit..

I am a terrible dad. So things must change there

I am a terrible son and need to do more here they are getting old..

I would love to have a good relationship with someone into the shit I am into , things I am not also, someone without too much damage or shit because I have enough..smart, artistic, kind, patient , able to see from all angles , not prone to demeaning people or trying to control them. Someone without my bi polar but has great understanding and patience with people having problems..Sexy, sensual..without sexual hangups or insecurities(even if they have been abused or raped or weird religious upbringing they somehow overcame it..granted they will have moments of ptsd probably)open minded about art , music, sexuality, gender, race, life....someone who likes to go for walks , maybe works out even(that way I will too).Too be totally wishful...I would love for her to be around 35, 5'7 to 6', not anorexic or out of shape(now body size and shape can be misleading ) or getting to shape like I will be attempting, a great back(now a nice ass and legs and hips are great but that is not what i meant by back...i meant a back and neck), green eyes, dark hair, have to say lately have been in to the smaller breasted women, great smile and that whisper of the Fey in the eyes...great sense of humor from the stupid to the arcane to the absurd to sarcasm etc.. etc..likes to be naked (around the house or at the beach or friends houses..lol) meaning one she hates clothes but two is comfortable with her body enough to be seen naked by strangers on a beach. Plus I hate clothes and like being naked with the woman I love as much as possible skin contact means a lot to me...not caught up in materialism....sexually adventurous yet also did her exploring and knows what she likes(hopefully everything from gentle to rough, some bondage..) but also willing to try things... likes to cook , camp and other things I also enjoy...but since that isn't going to happen anytime soon gonna discuss something that is important to me and driving me nuts..

Sex....well the lack of it for a long time.....I am not very good at meeting women , I work nights, I am stuck living at home, make no real money, am not normal in how I think speak or view the world it seems,bi polar the dread hep c...99% of my few relationships have been fucked either because of me being insane, them really being insane or both of being too damn insane..being young  didn't help..
Now I have always been crippling shy, social anxiety, freaked out by people, not really good at knowing when someone is into me..plus I think it is would be a better setup if women invited the man (and was allowed to be honest and not treated bad if the woman just wants to have sex..No one should be treated like shit if they are honest about just wanting to sex)because they one get hit on all the fucking time, and they have more to worry about, they guy could be a psycho or a rapist or get her pregnant and leave or be married.so I spent a lot of years alone..no love , no one to live with , have sex with....spent a lot of time alone because i didn't really relate to anyone.Especially find a woman even close to being interested in (books, movies, music,etc)what i was into especially sexually(or so they said...amazing when they felt like they were safe to say so they really told me what they were into or wanting to try)and for an extremely sexual person like I always have been it is fucking nerve wracking..
The last few years have been the worse.. not even some weird local friend woman that just liked to hang out and have sex too...maybe it has to do with age or realizing that i miss sex with another person...be it friendship or a relationship....but yeah it is effecting me...sad, depressed and anxious....There is nothing i would like better than to spend a weekend stoned with a woman at the beach naked, kissing , holding , laughing, exploring each others bodies seeing how much pleasure we can bring out of the weekend..I miss the sweat, the lust, the taste, the hair pulling and some biting, kissing and caressing a woman's hair , hip , back....ass , legs....holding a soft breast in my hand or doing whatever she likes done to her nipples, kissing her neck, her stomach, going down on her with sometimes her going down on you at same time) making her come over and over again till she begs you to stop and just fuck her already, the feeling of her body  under your hands holding her hips..doing or finding out the little sexual desires and kinks she may have or fantasies maybe making one a reality...I really miss when someone pulls me aside (be it somebody I am with or someone interested in me.)and telling me they want me to fuck them...or they just decide to unzip my pants and explore what might be there..lol..  The sad thing is right now I don't want a relationship..I either want some people I am friends with to hang out , fuck like mad every once in a while or  every time..til they find someone then it goes back to just hanging out...or even some people that all we get together for is sex and stress relief  because we don't have time or it isn't the right time for a relationship.Right now is definitely not the right time for me to have a relationship...things are too in the air..

So I am the weird spot of how do i fulfill this  need. How do I find women that are just wanting sex and friendship or just sex(single women or those with an understanding with their mate or mates ..no cheaters please)especially because i work nights and am terrible with small talk(if someone says they want to me for sex then we are there to talk about sex and to have sex and pleasure each other, why do I need all the small talk about shit that has nothing to do with the need..lol)Craigslist and dating sites suck..Plus this way I can meet  and experience not only sex but have contact with people that i would never have normal contact with..I am sure there is some normal person that likes sex that isn't just vanilla but their friends are not into it or prudes....or that wants to experience sex with some old punk rocker that looks like a biker.....it would be interesting to experience a woman that maybe is some kind of professional, lawyer, doctor, different body types, races, desires.etc...
I wish I could start my own free sex ad site...especially for those that into various subcultures(be it music, pirates, art, literature, bdsm, those looking to experience threesomes..etc..especially because then my friends that would be interested in meeting different people for sex and maybe relationships would have a place to go..could throw a big sex party every year...lol
So it is pretty much hopeless...especially when you want to tell someone...I think you are attractive and something about your personality and if you every feel like it I  would like to have sex with you...eat talk and just go fuck ourselves silly.(especially if they are not someone you would normally be friends with)because being honest like that looked down on and people think you are some creep.Now if I put my hands on you and said lets go fuck and you said no and I called you a bitch or abused you now that is wrong...Hell I would love it if somebody that i like to have sex with but don't know or wouldn't approach because they are from a different world or even if it is some stranger I have never seen before would just walk up to me and say politely "Excuse me but I find you interesting and or different would you be interested in having sex , just for the hell of it no strings attached.." but that won't happen..and it would be okay to say no if I wanted to and not be shit on...hell it would be better if not required to say why not..sorry rambled on a bit there..

So I have to find some way to hopefully meet a variety of woman of all sorts with various desires(maybe they want to go to a porn theater, or their last relationship was with someone who destroyed them sexually or destroyed their self confidence about themselves or they just want to remember what is was like to have someone naked pleasuring them paying attention to their body and their needs and to remember they are a sexual person. who would love nothing more than to be pleasured (and they better let me know what they like so I can help them..lo)and give it back(don't want some miserable experience where they were there only for their pleasure)be it as a friendship or a way to relief sexual tension and stress and feel taken care of sexually, or even someone saying hey I want to have sex with you just to see what it is like or they need it right then dam nit and it is just a one time thing.Fun way to learn about different people and what they are into..
Maybe I can start up a free business/study.I will freely (unlike an escort)have sex with women of different lifestyles, cultures ages(from25 to 50?lol)etc...find out their desires, how the life they were raised in affected their sexual desires and wants and beliefs....why they are finding the need for anonymous sex(kind of anonymous)Like some weird sexual field study for my own weird wanting to know just to know...might make some interesting friends that way...wonder if anyone would take me serious and if i would require a business license...lol..

A lot of this also has to deal with feeling wanted , attractive, desired,by someone so much even if just for a momentary need that they want to get naked and me naked(which is a big deal for a lot of people and it is a trust thing)and pleasure each other..It is also the need for that particular human type of contact.....

What else needs changed...quit spending so much time inside and on the damn computer...